Business is Business
by CaitSith
Summary: Thorn and Zorn make an intresting offer to Revee, which involves the chocobo mafia, stealing police cars, and captureing espers, namely Cait Sith.


"It is cold out here." Zorn said to his twin while peering past the pitiful fire they had built and looking out of the alley as the people of midgar passed by.   
  
"Cold out here, it is!" Thorn moved closer to the fire.  
  
"Don't get any closer you idiot! You'll smother it!"   
  
"Smother it, I will not!" He moved even close, and then jumped back, furiously trying to beat out the flames on his cap.   
  
Thorn sighed. "I thought we might get an easier life here, but no one wants us." He kicked the wall. "Damn it all!" He absently grabbed Thorn's hat and stomped on it.   
  
"Hungry, I am."   
  
"Im hungry too" Zorn admitted. "That guy looks rich," He pointed to a man walking past the alley garbed in an ritzy suit. "Lets stab him in the back, then we can take his money and buy a few doughnuts."   
  
"Stab him in the back, we shall!"  
  
"We shall stab him in the back!"   
  
They grinned, did a cartwheel, and ran after the man.  
  
  
  
Insanity Studios Presents  
Business is business  
By: CaitSith  
  
"Damn it Revee!" Rufus hurled his bottle of water at the incompetent employee. "Business is horrible, I cant afford to pay anyone to do anything."   
  
"Im sorry sir, but after that big investment in ShinRa Eggs, we have lost almost all our money."  
  
"Well, how the hell was I supposed to know there would be an outbreak of salmonella? Do you expect me to think of everything? That's your job!"  
  
"Im sorry sir."  
  
"You better be sorry! Now go think of a scheme that will make me some money!"   
  
* * *   
  
Revee sighed. Why did everything bad always have to happen to him? Maybe he should just quit his job. But where would he go? "Damn it, think Revee! What can make ShinRa money?"  
  
Two midgets bounded into the room, one in a red and white checkered jester outfit, and the other in a blue one.  
  
"What can we do for you?" The blue one asked.  
  
"Do for you, what can we?" The red one repeated.  
  
"Who are you two weirdos?" Revee asked. As if he didn't have enough to deal with.  
  
"We are business consultants!"  
  
"Business consultants, we are!"   
  
"You look like a couple of clowns to me." Revee said between clenched teeth.  
  
"Are we clowns?" Zorn asked, turning to Thorn.  
  
"Clowns, I think we are not." He replied.   
  
"Could you give us a minute? That's a difficult question."   
  
"That's it, I want you two out of my office right now! Security!"   
  
"Wait, wait! Give us a chance! We have a really great idea to send ShinRa to the top!" Zorn pleaded.   
  
Revee sighed. "What is it?"  
  
They looked at each other. "Have you ever tried to," Zorn glanced around as if making sure no one else was listening. "Tried to rule the world?"   
  
Revee yawned. "Been there, done that, got the T-shirt."   
  
"Try summons, have you?" Thorn inquired hopefully.  
  
"Summons?"  
  
Thorn and Zorn began bouncing up and down wildly. They both leaped on to Revee's desk. "We can steal summons and give you their power!" Zorn exclaimed. "You can be the ruler of the world!"   
  
Revee blinked. "You know, that sounds sort of interesting. Exactly how would you go about doing this?"   
  
"A summoner, we need!"  
  
"Or a summoned beast!"   
  
"Well, we don't have any summoners here, but we do have a summoned beast running around." Revee took a wanted poster off his wall. "This is the one."  
  
Thorn and Zorn studied the picture of the black and white streaked cat wearing a cape and crown.  
  
"We can find it!" Zorn said and bounded out of the office.  
  
"Find it, we can!" Thorn added as he hopped after his brother.  
  
Revee got up and began picking up the papers that the jesters had knocked off his desk. "Why do I have a feeling I made a big mistake?" He pressed the button on his radio. "Elena? Get me the Chocobo mafia." Those two idiots would need some help, especially if they were dealing with that damn esper.  
  
* * *   
  
"Where should we look first?" Zorn asked, scurrying across a cross walk in down town midgar.   
  
"Where to look, I have no clue." Thorn said, following him after the light turned green and almost getting hit by a car. "Sunday driver!"   
  
"Shut up! Im thinking!"   
  
Thorn looked around and noticed a man dressed in blue and holding a nightstick was heading for them. "Zorn! Trouble, we have!"   
  
"I said, shut up!"  
  
Thorn waved his hands frantically. "But trouble, there is!" Finally realizing that Zorn wouldn't listen, he ran and hid behind a street light.   
  
"Excuse me sir." The officer, who had just approached Zorn said.  
  
"Damn it! Go away I said!" He turned around in furry and punched the officer in the face. "Oh no! I've made a mistake!"  
  
Thorn cautiously walked back to the officers limp body and examined it. "Oh no! A mistake you've made!" He quickly looked around and saw several more cops converging on them. "Run, we must!"  
  
"I have a better idea!" Zorn said as he spotted the police car not parked far away. "We will get away in that!" He began running toward the vehicle, his twin following.   
  
"Stop! Stop in the name of the law!"   
  
The two jesters jumped through the window of the car, started it up, and closed the window on an officers hand.  
  
"Do you know how to drive?"  
  
"How to drive, I do not know!"  
  
"I guess I'll just hit something and hope for the best!" Zorn said as he flipped a switch near the wheel. The windshield wipers turned on and smacked a policeman who was banging on the front window.   
  
"It, that was not. Something else, try it!"   
  
"I am trying something else!" He said, hitting the steering wheel with all his might. A loud honk caused all of the nearby drivers to stop and raise they're middle fingers in salute.   
  
"The would these days, what is it coming to?" Thorn asked sadly, looking through the window at the mass amount of road rage.   
  
Thorn sighed and hit another button, which was, unfortunately, the radio. Extremely loud rap music began to saunter out of the car. "I hate rap!"   
  
"Hate rap, I do too!" Thorn kicked the radio in rage, which caused it to eject the CD that was in it, hitting him in the face. "Ow!"   
  
Thorn looked out the window to find that the police had stopped trying to convince them to open the car, and had gotten they're crowbars. "We are going to die!" Zorn screamed, and accidently hit the gas pedal with his foot, sending the car speeding forward and bowling over 4 officers in the process.  
  
"Cool, that was!" Thorn exclaimed as he glanced out the rear view mirror. "Now, find the summon, we must!"   
  
  
* * *   
  
Cait Sith sighed as he played with his Yo-yo. It hadn't been a good week. First he got mugged by a insane man who beat him senseless with a bread stick, then his band had left him. He wondered why he even bothered to keep Clouds garage, all the joy it gave him was the fact he could keep Cloud and everyone else awake at night by making noise. Maybe if he hadn't invested all of the bands money on mangos, he might still have them. But who needed those losers. He could have fun by himself. For all he cared they could go play a game of solitaire Russian roulette.   
  
His contemplation was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Go away, im not buying any." He shouted. Whoever it was kept knocking. "Damn it! Go away!" The door suddenly fell to the ground, and two clowns stood where it had been.  
  
"Are you Cait Sith?" One of them asked.  
  
"Cait Sith, are you?" The other asked.  
  
"Maybe I am." The cat esper said evasively.   
  
"Maybe he is." Zorn said, turning to Thorn.  
  
"Possible, that may be."   
  
"Look, if you're looking to give someone a thousand dollars, then its me. If not, get out!" Cait Sith said.  
  
Zorn giggled. "Should we leave Thorn?"  
  
"Until we have him, we must not!" The clown responded, and then leapt at Cait Sith, who moved to the right, avoided the attack, and ran for the door. "Stop him!"  
  
Unfortunately for Cait Sith, he bumped into a chocobo who was standing in the doorway. "Hey! Get out of the way!" He demanded, then immediately shut up when the large bird pulled out an AK-47 and leveled it at his face. "This just isn't a good day."   
  
"Wait a minute." Zorn said as he picked up Cait's Yo-yo. "This is a model 3626246266 Yo-yo! We can sell this on bay for at least five dollars!" His eyes widened in surprise. "Did you ask how much we are getting paid for this?"  
  
"Ask how much, I thought you did!"  
  
"I suppose we will have to ask when we get back"   
  
* * *   
Cait Sith was dragged into Rufus's office and laid across the desk, being held by ropes.. "Let me go! This is unconstitutional! Unjust! Un-" He was cut off when Zorn hit him over the head with a frozen trout.   
  
"Mr. President, may I present, Thorn and Zorn, the people I was telling you about." Revee explained the young president of ShinRa Inc.  
  
"I see." Rufus looked at the two clowns dubiously."   
  
"Are we ready to preform the spell?" Zorn asked his twin.  
  
"Ready, we are!"   
  
* * *   
  
"You know, im kind of worried about Cait Sith. Something may have happened to him." Mog hung up the phone after the 89th ring. "Or worse, Cait Sith happened to something."   
  
"Maybe we shouldn't have left him, he is our friend after all, even if he is a walking disaster." Neko commented.  
  
"Maybe we should go look for him." Spekkio suggested.  
  
"Have we got anything better to do?" Mog asked the other members of the band. They all shrugged and shook they're heads. "Okay then!"  
  
* * *   
  
Thorn and Zorn began dancing and cartwheeling around Cait Sith chanting they're bizarre spells.  
  
"Eidolons of magical deliciousness!" Zorn cried.  
  
"Arise from thy eternal slumber!"   
  
"Depart after thy... thy... dammit, come next, what does?"   
  
Thorn thought. "Thy eternal wait."   
  
"Depart after thy eternal wait!"   
  
"Let there be light!"   
  
"Let there be life!"   
  
A blue light began to emit from the cat. "Lets see what he has!" Zorn began probing the espers selection of spells. After a minute he looked up. "These spells are horrible."   
  
"Let me see!" Thorn demanded, stepping beside Zorn and also probing. "Awful, these are!"  
  
"What, what's awful?" Rufus demanded, but didn't get to find out, since a helicopter crashed through the wall, and three small animals hopped out.   
  
"Give Cait Sith back!" Demanded Mog, trying to look fierce.   
  
"What if we don't want to?" Zorn asked.   
  
"Then were going to have to take him by force! the hard way!" Spekkio shouted.  
  
"Dude, that made no sense." Mog whispered to him.  
  
"Fight, we will!" Thorn yelled out his defiance.  
  
The two remaining members of the Insane Clown Posse and the three Bahamut Men faced off, Rufus and Revee already had run out of the room in light of the coming confrontation.   
  
"Should we change form?" Zorn asked.  
  
"My neck still hurts from the last time." Thorn answered.  
  
"I get the one that talks funny." Mog stated, then jumped at Thorn, attempting to tackle him. Zorn did a back flip and kicked him in the face, sending him to the floor.  
  
"I could use some help!" Zorn screamed, frantically pummeling at Spekkio and Neko, who were trying to pin him down. After a minute of getting beaten on, he tranced and threw both of the animals off him. "You can't stop me now!" He suddenly collapsed.  
  
"Wow, i have the worst headache." Cait Sith said, dropping the paper weight he used to attack Zorn.   
  
Thorn looked at the three others. "Outnumbered, I am! Flee, I will!" He made it as far as the door when a saxophone collided with the back of his head.   
  
Neko put his magic bag away. "Sorry, I couldn't find anything better." He shrugged.   
  
"You all came back to help me. Thanks." Cait said, looking at his three friends. "Now get the hell out of my way, I need an aspirin." He rudely shoved them out of the way and began searching Rufus's desk.   
  
"Thanks for the gratitude Cait." Mog said sarcastically.  
  
"Ha, I could have gotten out myself."   
  
"Could not!"  
  
"Could too!"  
  
"Could not!"  
  
"Could too!"  
  
  
Business is Business  
Written, Directed and Produced by: CaitSith  
Original Concept by: CaitSith   
Ideas stolen from: Fritz Fraundorf  
  
  
This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to or appearance of actual people, places, or events is intended only for purposes of political and social satire. Based on the games by Square.  
  
Authors Notes: This is my first attempt at fan fiction. I expect lots of criticism. You should probably read Fritz Fraundorf's story's to understand the whole "Cait Sith is an esper" deal.  
  
A Insane production  
  
  
  
Thorn and Zorn sat in the local Sector 8 doughnut shop, dunking they're doughnuts in coffie and receiving odd looks from the rest of the customers.   
  
"I was all wrong about coming here." Zorn admitted. "Even working for master Kuja was better than this. At least we got benefits."  
  
"Go back to him, lets!" Thorn suggested.  
  
"I suppose there isn't anything else we can do." He thought a moment. "How are we going to pay for a flight back to Gaia?" He then spotted a fat man wearing a elegant suit with a extremely fat wallet sticking out of his pocket.   
  
Thorn grinned and began bouncing rapidly up and down.  
  
"I will get the frozen trout."  
  
"After him, we shall go!"   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
